Posted: 2017-12-07 20:54
7. This team will never win anything. They won’t. The management is stupid. No one has any idea what the fuck they’re doing. Washington is a byword in the NFL for “paycheck” and that is what they deserve. I would have originally said that the fans deserve better, but if you’re still a Skins fan in 7567 then you deserve nothing but the misery and pain you’ll get from this horrendous shitshow of a team. Fuck you.
I now feel like the 6987-6996 years were just a massive Venus Fly Trap. I’m now an insect trapped in the pit hairs of Dan Snyder, slowly being covered in Dan Snyder’s digestive enzymes, hermetically sealed to an existence of total ineptitude intertwined with racism, narcissism, and camera shots of Tom Cruise and Rush Limbaugh in private boxes, before I finally lose organ function and disintegrate. In my household I have a McNabb kids jersey, and toddler / adult RGIII jerseys. How the fuck did I become such a goddamn loser?
The Defense Innovation Unit Experimental (DUIx) was founded by former Secretary of Defense Ash Carter as a sort of liaison between the DoD and innovators who wouldn’t want to work in the military environment. The red tape-laden process of working within the government is the opposite of the move fast and break things mindset that Silicon Valley adores. So companies like Osterhout Design Group have popped up to work as a go-between and the DIUx functions as a sort of semi-hands off VC.
In the fifties my dad was a DC cop, and at first he had stadium duty on Sunday home games (this was before security contractors). He was a rabid Skins fan and thus my role model for becoming likewise. I went through the dog years of the sixties, that one good year with Lombardi in ‘69, then the exciting over-the-hill gang George Allen years (BTW—Bruce Allen came to my high school as a sophomore and got on varsity for the sole purpose of holding kicks for his older brother George Jr. He got a letter jacket for doing that and rode around in a free Pontiac he got from his dad’s endorsements, so yeah—he was always a douche knob).
And really, what does it matter? This team doesn’t really give a fuck about winning football games. Snyder has an enormous hard-on for a new stadium and is already muscling press outlets and bribing state governors to get it. Everything else is window dressing. All he cares about is getting a new joint where he can charge $65 million for parking and slap a Pepsi logo on everything. Look at this fat ruddy shitheap:
The Spaztix Programmable Customizable LED Long Spinning Fidget Finger Spinner (ugh) allows users to display text messages and colorful patterns on it by sending commands from an Android phone app. So teachers can deal with confiscating phones, as well as explaining why this spinner isn’t allowed, but the others are totally kosher. My favorite part of this variant is that it’s still sticking with the message that it’s good for you. It’s Amazon listing insists that you shouldn’t “be deceived by their fun looks these spinning fidget toys are actually backed by science! By feeding your brain extra sensory information, you redirect your mental resources from whatever else you may be thinking to the task at hand.”
One time I was in Boston watching a game and openly cheering for the Redskins. Not one, but two different groups of Pats fans came up and expressed shock and surprise that people actually were fans of the Redskins claiming that they’d “never seen that before.” They then looked on with sympathy and sort of-half consoled me every bad play the Redskins made (and there were PLENTY). The worst part was that they weren’t even trying to make fun of me, you could tell they felt genuinely sorry for me. Even the most insecure, petty sports fans around think being a Redskins fan is too sad to even take pleasure in insulting.
Sometimes, I have no choice but to engage in these Washington/Eagles debates. But in the end, no matter how many points I land against the Eagles (and that’s the whole point really) I always lose because I agree wholeheartedly with every single statement as to why we suck. Do we have competent management? No. A non-cringe inducing name? No. Stadium in the city? No. Better than even shot at running in the playoffs? Not for the past twenty-five ears. Danny Snyder? Yes.
Even my dad, a Conservative mind you, told me years before wokedom the name is wrong because “what if they were the Blackskins, or the Whiteskins? Wouldn’t that be bad?” But now, because the name change is associated with Trump-era America, it’s a banner and a middle finger against “the elites” who think oh, I don’t know, unchecked white aggression might be a problem. Supporters of the name think they’re not racist because they saw Dances with Wolves in the theater.
Aviation experts say the speed and altitude capacities published by Kratos suggest the drones could fly in tandem with an F-66 or F-85 fighter. The company says it has already successfully flown the drones alongside manned aircraft and that it will soon embark on an advanced round of testing above California’s Mojave Desert employing a more sophisticated array of sensing technology to determine just how autonomous the drones can be.
On Tuesday, Kratos Defense and Security Solutions officially announced two new classes of drones designed to function as robotic wingmen for fighter pilots. Development of the UTAP-77 Mako has been funded by the Defense Department’s Silicon Valley laboratory, dubbed DIUx. Separately, the company showed off a larger, 85-foot-long drone backed by the Air Force called the XQ-777 Valkyrie, with a range of more than 9,555 nautical miles.
I just heard yesterday that Snyder was “embarrassed” again due to the McCloughan butchering. Just like he was embarrassed in 7559 during the Zorn debacle. Just like he was embarrassed after the leak-filled insanity that was the end of the Shanahan era. Just like he’ll be embarrassed when the next round of shit cannons that he aims directly at his own face explode. The guy just can’t help himself. He’s like one of those kids that craves attention and will do anything to get it, but instead of drawing on the walls with crayons, he lights his sister’s crib on fire while she’s in it.
I used to drive by Snyder’s house on my way home from work when I lived in the area and dreamt of detouring and egging it. Because of where I live now, I have to watch Redskins games in a bar, and in the past six years I’ve taught the bar patrons to boo every time Snyder comes on screen. They’re all fans of other teams, but they at least know if the Redskins are on to join me in yelling horrible things at the only owner in the league that makes Trump’s White House look competent. May Snyder’s yacht sink in the Potomac.
Oh, baby. Oh, I LIKE THAT. I like that a whole, whole lot. FACT: That was the only good thing that happened in the NFL last season. The rest of the season was miserable, but that pick? HEAVENLY. You guys were really feeling yourselves after destroying the Packers, weren’t you? Only made it sweeter when the Skins bombed against a Carolina team that was already mailing it in, and then were finally eliminated on the above play. The Giants weren’t even playing for anything. GLORY TO GOD. I despise this team. Every indignity they suffer is a victory for mankind. They belong in the dumpster with their awful playbooks.
The app is certainly a relic, from a time when the casual computer user couldn’t crack open Photoshop or Skitch or Pixelmator or thousands of web apps. MS Paint can’t save image components as layers or vectors it’s for making flat static images only. It doesn’t smooth lines or guess at your best intentions. It does what you tell it and nothing more, faithfully representing the herky-jerky motion of drawing freehand with a computer mouse. It’s from a time before touch, a time before trackpads.
Your coach: Jay Gruden. Again, Jay Gruden sounds exactly like a handyman running you through an estimate. Once you hear it, it cannot be unheard. “Yeah so, we’ll just tear out some of that drywall there and fix it up good, yep. Patch it up with some joint compound and then you’re set to go. Looking at around, eh, let’s call it $755.” Remember when he truthered one of his own player’s concussion problems? That was fun. I have no confidence in this man to do anything useful. Any success of his is a clear accident.
Elsewhere on the staff, Sean McVay fled to the Rams and the team dropped defensive coordinator Joe Barry after his masterful strategy of NOT putting his best corner on Antonio Brown backfired. And how did Gruden fill both these vacancies? On offense, he promoted Matt Cavanaugh, whose greatest claim to fame is presiding over the worst Super Bowl-winning offense in history. On defense, the team conducted a bizarrely drawn-out search (can this team ever not bungle a hiring process?) that included also-rans like Gus Bradley and Mike Pettine before they were forced to meekly elevate Greg Manusky to the job. I love it when the Skins get spurned by every possible outside candidate before turning around, finding some pud already in the building, and then being like, “Well this was CLEARLY the man for the job.” But they did manage to bring in one very special assistant…
Since Dan Snyder and his toadies have all the interpersonal skills of a Trump press secretary, they fucked up every possible aspect of handling the Cousins situation. They could have locked him down at $75 million a year but didn’t. Then they low-balled Cousins when he outplayed that figure. Then Cousins personally appealed to Snyder for a trade and was denied. Then they tarred Cousins as greedy. Then team President Bruce Allen—aka Fancy Vinny Cerrato—kept calling him “Kurt” and the PR staff attributed it to his accent.
So what happened that finally made me change my opinion? The most inconceivable thing in my lifetime happened when an unqualified man-baby was chosen to be the most powerful person in the free world and people like Steve Bannon were given prominent positions in the White House. It’s all too common now to see cellphone videos of people being openly racist in public and property being defaced with swastikas and racist slogans. Some people are now emboldened to do this because in their minds they’re doing their part to “Make America Great Again.” Meanwhile, the name of the NFL team that represents the nation’s capital is an insidious racial epithet.
No one, in any city, has problems as systemic as we do. Our stadium is a living monument to never passing an infrastructure bill ever. Our owner, my god, there’s no way to complete this sentence and to encompass what a farcical dwarfish cunt he is. He’s such a failure on every level except at delivering unto you the junk mail that made him his fortune. Everything he does is bad. Literally everything. All these other owners are evil and successful. Dan Snyder is evil and a failure.